Thursday I have reserved for my Deep Thoughts, which I dare say are much less deep than I like to believe. And yes, I know it's now Friday. That happens with a two-month old. :) Nevertheless, here we are, and I've decided to start with one that is frequently on my mind - the idea of security.
It's what we all want, isn't it, to know that everything is going to be alright.
In recent years I have found myself battling with my nemesis, Anxiety. She is not as much nerves and flutters as she sounds, but rather a numbing, paralyzing force that overwhelms and strikes fear to the heart. That is in her worst moments, of course. I haven't seen her as much recently, in the contentment of family life and, I believe, a grace of respite. These days are mostly peace and joy. Every now and then, though, she appears, and usually associates herself with questions of security.
Unlike my eternal optimist husband, I have always been inclined to look to the future, to store up ahead of time so things will be improved later on - to do university readings a week in advance so I wouldn't have to the next week, to eat the plain ice cream first and save the rolo pieces for last (which backfires, as that is inevitably when someone comes along and asks for a bite). Sometimes I do it so much I forget to reach the more enjoyable future that I have prepared for and just keep preparing.
Ideally, i would love everything to be secure, to have all the money to pay the bills already in the bank, to have the propane tanks full to the top, to be all prepped for my weekly meal plan. And on a bigger scale, to know that the government is going to make the best choices, to know that my loved ones' lives and relationships are going to work out, to ensure health and safety for us all.
Unfortunately nothing in this life is secure, the fallen world doesn't work like that. Employment is uncertain, governments are flawed, sad things happen, people die - the only true security is in the salvation of Christ, his love and promises of an eternal home.
My anxiety feeds off the desire for security - there is nothing inherently wrong with feeling anxious, it happens, and that's ok, and it's also ok to try to change your feelings to more pleasant ones - it is when anxiety turns into a desperate need to control, and especially a suffocation of generosity, that it becomes sinful. It becomes avarice, as
Fr. Denis Lemieux' book
Idol Thoughts has been (kindly) hammering home to me. I am frequently tempted to decide that because my desire for security is understandable, it is therefore justifiable to let it take over.
An example might look like this: finances fluctuate, I panic over some little instance, having spent a little more that we can currently cover - I become rigid and ungenerous - no, we can't possibly share one of those little yoghurt cups with a visitor, there's just the right amount for lunches this week! Finances fluctuate again, for the better - no, we can't possibly give more to charity, we have to hoard more away in case the hard times return. Always too much focus on earthly security, the storing away for tomorrow, telling myself that I can be in control and make sure there will be enough and that it will be alright. Even if I say "I trust in You", I catch a little voice in my head saying, it will turn out ok, I can choose to be trusting because I can always find ways to spend less. Ummmmm. Trusting in God somehow just turned into trusting my own thriftiness...
If I want to live fully and joyfully as a Christian, I will have to give up on security... (to be cont.)
